holy fuck, i graduated college.
i always had been able to think about graduating and getting a job and whatnot, but never really thought about what it would feel like. today, i figured it out..and my realization was that it is surreal. graduation is probably one of the happiest times i've ever had in college, but also one of the saddest. i saw all of my friends in my major for the last 3 years, and we all were beaming and smiling and telling stories of past events...and then we all walked across the stage, shook hands with the dean, and it was over. sure, there were speakers (bill cosby) and even singers (patti labelle), but all in all, this day just seemed to be one big blur of gowns and mortarboards.
to everyone i have had the pleasure of being friends with during college, whether you go to temple, drexel, rutgers, bloomsburg, or anywhere in between, it's been such a fun ride. i couldn't have become the person i am without all of you. there are a lot of you who i will lose touch with, and that sucks..a lot. i wish you all the best. to those who i will keep in contact with, i can't wait to tell you stories about my new path in life.
stay real, stay true, stay in college, and enjoy every fucking second of it.
hey blog, i didn't forget about you, there's just been so much going on lately that i got caught up in the hullabaloo.
graduation countdown: 4 days. as my grades are coming in from teachers, this is becoming even more real to me. i'm still nervous. that will probably change to scared shitless in a day or so, and obviously i'll probably write about it.
to recap what's been going down
1) senior final good & welfare. i had been dreading this day for a year. it was so hard to sit in front of my closest friends and just tell them how grateful i was to have them around. i really gave it everything not to cry, and i'm thankful i didn't. i hope that it's not the last time i see all of them. but, if it is, i'm glad i got to tell them all in person that i was glad to be a part of something as good as our fraternity with them for the last 3 years.
2) last day of class, ever. i got a unique sense of calm when my last class ended. it almost felt like an old cartoon where you open a book, and the first words are written, then the cartoon fades in..then when the story is over it fades back to the book and it closes. sorry if whoever is reading this doesn't understand what i mean, it's just the TV/film nerd in me. i can remember my first day of class 4 years ago, and now i have a memory of the last one, too. it's something that is sort of a buzzkill, but i wouldn't want to forget, either.
3) senior formal. i have had dreams about that day since my first one in spring of 2007. it was a shitshow then, and really nothing has changed...except this year it was on a boat. i usually don't go on boats, i've got motion sickness so bad i can't even ride a ferris wheel. thankfully, the medicine i took worked, and i got to enjoy myself and not spend the entire time in the bathroom. the night was really killer, too. all of the people i wanted to share my last formal with were able to be there, which made it that much better. oh, i should also mention that i had a fantastic date. not only did she look incredible, but she managed to stay in her heels til ALMOST midnight! all jokes aside, though, i really had a great time with her. we talked a lot, and i didn't even realize how much time had passed by until we were docking again. i'm really glad that she enjoyed the night. she had been such a great friend to me lately that it was nice to take her out to say thank you.
4) drinking. i feel like i've drank an entire keg by myself over the last week or so. it's gotten pretty bad. i have twice woken up at 5am with a hangover (after going to bed at 2:45). however, it has reaffirmed my ability to drink like a sailor with the best of my fraternity, as well as my above average skills on the pong table. i really didn't play a lot this semester, but i have found my groove again lately. last night was especially good, as i was playing one on one with a friend and only lost 8 matches in a 2.5 hour series (i don't recall how many games we actually played, but i do know i won the series very handily).
that's kinda it. i really have just been relaxing and reflecting on the last 4 years. i don't know where the future will take me, but i do know it's gonna be a great fuckin ride. now i've just gotta embrace that fact instead of trying to turn and run away from it. i've only got 4 days left.
i have one day of official college class left. it is so hard for me to say that and not get all sorts of emotions running through my head. then there's the fact that i have an interview on thursday. everything is really starting to swirl now, and i had hoped to get some time to relax, but i guess that's not going to happen.
final g&w tomorrow is going to be so fucking hard. i probably will cry at some point. i have been dreading this day since the start of the semester, because for once, i have no fucking clue what to say. i can talk my face off every single day, but for this, i can barely come up with anything worthwhile. i'm sure things will come to me in the midst of the day, so hopefully i can entertain my friends.
either way, i'm gong out with a bang. i've got my last formal on tuesday, which i am super stoked for. i have an amazing date, and it's on a boat motherfucker, so i'll never forget it. i'm so glad all of my friends found a way to attend. i wouldn't want to have my last fraternity formal without those guys.
it's may 1. i've got 13 days to fuck shit up. i hope that my one phone call doesn't go to voicemail, cuz that would really suck.
as most things in movies, the beginning of the end was beset by rain. today was exactly one week until my last class at temple. i cannot believe it came so fast. i have no idea what to do with myself. i have no idea how to feel about this. i have no idea, period. yet, for some strange reason, i feel like this is right. i feel like not having any clue is exactly how i'm supposed to feel. so, for once in my life, i think i'm headed in the right direction. it's a really good feeling.
the grains of sand are falling faster,
all signs are pointing towards disaster.
yet, the unknown still looms in the distance.
what will happen next?
they say only time will tell,
but fuck them, what do they know?
it's up to me to determine the future.
if that's so, then why can't i see it?
all i see is fog, clouds, haze, uncertainty.
what the fuck is wrong with me?
i should be happy to be getting out,
yet i don't even seem to want to leave.
Philadelphia, you've been my home for so long,
i just can't see why we should part now.
just once, i'd like to get what i want.
I know exactly what it is, to an extent..kind of. Everything is so hazy. My brain feels like a game of Boggle. I can't even try to take care of one thing without another making me even more crazy. I just don't know what to do anymore. I do know that there are people out there who have given me such great advice, and to those people, thanks. But, no matter what advice I get, ultimately the decision is mine. That is where the problem is. Every time I think I've come to some type of solution, the situation changes. It's like a fucked up virus that keeps mutating to stay alive. And though I know this, I do nothing. I can't. I don't know how. I want to, but stop myself short. Fuck you, elephant in the corner. My room is tiny enough, I don't need any extraneous things in here.
I do not know what is wrong with me. I do see something I want. I'm just not sure how to go and take it. Nobody can tell me how. I just need to take a personal day and be dead to the world and think. I haven't had a free moment in weeks. Even when I do things I enjoy, I find myself daydreaming about all this shit. I just wish that I could tune out, like a radio. I don't like what i'm hearing here, so I'll just change the station. That would be the fucking bee's knees.
My life is a fucking mess right now. I don't even know where to begin. Everything and anything seems to be just coming up and smacking me in the face, all at the same time. I haven't really slept in two days, and it really doesn't look like that's going to change much this week. I'm literally on the verge of just freaking out and breaking down.
I have so many issues with a certain someone. I just cannot understand why you are doing the things you're doing. It hurts me so much that you can go and do one thing, yet come to me and say another as if nothing has happened. I don't know how to react to you anymore. You drive me absolutely crazy, and I constantly leave conversations even more confused than when they began. Lately, I've been feeling sick over everything that has gone down. I barely have an appetite anymore, and I just feel like nothing I say gets through to you.
On the opposite side of the spectrum, another someone has been extremely kind to me, and has been there when I needed to just lose it a little bit. Something inside me just draws me to you for advice, or even just a smile. I don't know what that thing is, nor why I feel that way. I don't really have the words inside me at the moment to tell you how I truly feel, and that bothers me. You're an amazing person, and I just can't find a way to tell you that. I know that you've got your own stresses at the moment, but I know that you're going to get past them and feel great afterwards.
School work is killing me, too. I'm graduating in less than 3 weeks, and somehow I am finding myself inundated with shit to do. I just don't get it. My last semester of college wasn't supposed to be this way. I was supposed to be having fun and goofing off. Instead I'm stuck in labs for hours on end doing projects, writing papers, etc. With everything regarding graduation in the way, as well as my personal life drama, school has taken a backseat. That really upsets me. I have always prided myself on being a good student, and this semester I've really just been a fuckwad. I'm working on changing that these last couple weeks, but it's not going to be easy.
Post-graduation plans. If I never hear the phrase "So, what're you doing after graduation?' again, I will donate all my money to charity. I hate thinking about it. I don't want to think about it. I fucking love where I am in my life right now. I wouldn't change it for a second. Being in college is awesome, and frankly, I think the real world sucks. I don't want to go out there and fail. I just can't do that. The problem is that there is a good chance I will fail. That's what terrifies me now, and what will continue to terrify me until I find some success.
All in all, being me right now pretty much sucks hard. But, if anyone is willing to trade lives for like, a day or two, I'm totally game. I could use a break from mine.
