love the life you live, live the life you love

is this real life?

2010-05-13T23:26:00.002-04:00

holy fuck, i graduated college.

i always had been able to think about graduating and getting a job and whatnot, but never really thought about what it would feel like. today, i figured it out..and my realization was that it is surreal. graduation is probably one of the happiest times i've ever had in college, but also one of the saddest. i saw all of my friends in my major for the last 3 years, and we all were beaming and smiling and telling stories of past events...and then we all walked across the stage, shook hands with the dean, and it was over. sure, there were speakers (bill cosby) and even singers (patti labelle), but all in all, this day just seemed to be one big blur of gowns and mortarboards.

to everyone i have had the pleasure of being friends with during college, whether you go to temple, drexel, rutgers, bloomsburg, or anywhere in between, it's been such a fun ride. i couldn't have become the person i am without all of you. there are a lot of you who i will lose touch with, and that sucks..a lot. i wish you all the best. to those who i will keep in contact with, i can't wait to tell you stories about my new path in life.

stay real, stay true, stay in college, and enjoy every fucking second of it.

it's been a while...

2010-05-10T03:02:00.003-04:00

hey blog, i didn't forget about you, there's just been so much going on lately that i got caught up in the hullabaloo.

graduation countdown: 4 days. as my grades are coming in from teachers, this is becoming even more real to me. i'm still nervous. that will probably change to scared shitless in a day or so, and obviously i'll probably write about it.

to recap what's been going down

1) senior final good & welfare. i had been dreading this day for a year. it was so hard to sit in front of my closest friends and just tell them how grateful i was to have them around. i really gave it everything not to cry, and i'm thankful i didn't. i hope that it's not the last time i see all of them. but, if it is, i'm glad i got to tell them all in person that i was glad to be a part of something as good as our fraternity with them for the last 3 years.

2) last day of class, ever. i got a unique sense of calm when my last class ended. it almost felt like an old cartoon where you open a book, and the first words are written, then the cartoon fades in..then when the story is over it fades back to the book and it closes. sorry if whoever is reading this doesn't understand what i mean, it's just the TV/film nerd in me. i can remember my first day of class 4 years ago, and now i have a memory of the last one, too. it's something that is sort of a buzzkill, but i wouldn't want to forget, either.

3) senior formal. i have had dreams about that day since my first one in spring of 2007. it was a shitshow then, and really nothing has changed...except this year it was on a boat. i usually don't go on boats, i've got motion sickness so bad i can't even ride a ferris wheel. thankfully, the medicine i took worked, and i got to enjoy myself and not spend the entire time in the bathroom. the night was really killer, too. all of the people i wanted to share my last formal with were able to be there, which made it that much better. oh, i should also mention that i had a fantastic date. not only did she look incredible, but she managed to stay in her heels til ALMOST midnight! all jokes aside, though, i really had a great time with her. we talked a lot, and i didn't even realize how much time had passed by until we were docking again. i'm really glad that she enjoyed the night. she had been such a great friend to me lately that it was nice to take her out to say thank you.

4) drinking. i feel like i've drank an entire keg by myself over the last week or so. it's gotten pretty bad. i have twice woken up at 5am with a hangover (after going to bed at 2:45). however, it has reaffirmed my ability to drink like a sailor with the best of my fraternity, as well as my above average skills on the pong table. i really didn't play a lot this semester, but i have found my groove again lately. last night was especially good, as i was playing one on one with a friend and only lost 8 matches in a 2.5 hour series (i don't recall how many games we actually played, but i do know i won the series very handily).

that's kinda it. i really have just been relaxing and reflecting on the last 4 years. i don't know where the future will take me, but i do know it's gonna be a great fuckin ride. now i've just gotta embrace that fact instead of trying to turn and run away from it. i've only got 4 days left.

wow.

2010-05-01T02:15:00.002-04:00

i have one day of official college class left. it is so hard for me to say that and not get all sorts of emotions running through my head. then there's the fact that i have an interview on thursday. everything is really starting to swirl now, and i had hoped to get some time to relax, but i guess that's not going to happen.

final g&w tomorrow is going to be so fucking hard. i probably will cry at some point. i have been dreading this day since the start of the semester, because for once, i have no fucking clue what to say. i can talk my face off every single day, but for this, i can barely come up with anything worthwhile. i'm sure things will come to me in the midst of the day, so hopefully i can entertain my friends.

either way, i'm gong out with a bang. i've got my last formal on tuesday, which i am super stoked for. i have an amazing date, and it's on a boat motherfucker, so i'll never forget it. i'm so glad all of my friends found a way to attend. i wouldn't want to have my last fraternity formal without those guys.

it's may 1. i've got 13 days to fuck shit up. i hope that my one phone call doesn't go to voicemail, cuz that would really suck.

and so beings the final week

2010-04-26T22:28:00.002-04:00

as most things in movies, the beginning of the end was beset by rain. today was exactly one week until my last class at temple. i cannot believe it came so fast. i have no idea what to do with myself. i have no idea how to feel about this. i have no idea, period. yet, for some strange reason, i feel like this is right. i feel like not having any clue is exactly how i'm supposed to feel. so, for once in my life, i think i'm headed in the right direction. it's a really good feeling.

time is running out

2010-04-21T23:24:00.003-04:00

the grains of sand are falling faster,
all signs are pointing towards disaster.
yet, the unknown still looms in the distance.
what will happen next?
they say only time will tell,
but fuck them, what do they know?
it's up to me to determine the future.
if that's so, then why can't i see it?
all i see is fog, clouds, haze, uncertainty.
what the fuck is wrong with me?
i should be happy to be getting out,
yet i don't even seem to want to leave.
Philadelphia, you've been my home for so long,
i just can't see why we should part now.

the bee's knees

2010-04-21T00:18:00.004-04:00

just once, i'd like to get what i want.

I know exactly what it is, to an extent..kind of. Everything is so hazy. My brain feels like a game of Boggle. I can't even try to take care of one thing without another making me even more crazy. I just don't know what to do anymore. I do know that there are people out there who have given me such great advice, and to those people, thanks. But, no matter what advice I get, ultimately the decision is mine. That is where the problem is. Every time I think I've come to some type of solution, the situation changes. It's like a fucked up virus that keeps mutating to stay alive. And though I know this, I do nothing. I can't. I don't know how. I want to, but stop myself short. Fuck you, elephant in the corner. My room is tiny enough, I don't need any extraneous things in here.

I do not know what is wrong with me. I do see something I want. I'm just not sure how to go and take it. Nobody can tell me how. I just need to take a personal day and be dead to the world and think. I haven't had a free moment in weeks. Even when I do things I enjoy, I find myself daydreaming about all this shit. I just wish that I could tune out, like a radio. I don't like what i'm hearing here, so I'll just change the station. That would be the fucking bee's knees.

the world is spinning faster

2010-04-19T18:13:00.003-04:00

My life is a fucking mess right now. I don't even know where to begin. Everything and anything seems to be just coming up and smacking me in the face, all at the same time. I haven't really slept in two days, and it really doesn't look like that's going to change much this week. I'm literally on the verge of just freaking out and breaking down.

I have so many issues with a certain someone. I just cannot understand why you are doing the things you're doing. It hurts me so much that you can go and do one thing, yet come to me and say another as if nothing has happened. I don't know how to react to you anymore. You drive me absolutely crazy, and I constantly leave conversations even more confused than when they began. Lately, I've been feeling sick over everything that has gone down. I barely have an appetite anymore, and I just feel like nothing I say gets through to you.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, another someone has been extremely kind to me, and has been there when I needed to just lose it a little bit. Something inside me just draws me to you for advice, or even just a smile. I don't know what that thing is, nor why I feel that way. I don't really have the words inside me at the moment to tell you how I truly feel, and that bothers me. You're an amazing person, and I just can't find a way to tell you that. I know that you've got your own stresses at the moment, but I know that you're going to get past them and feel great afterwards.

School work is killing me, too. I'm graduating in less than 3 weeks, and somehow I am finding myself inundated with shit to do. I just don't get it. My last semester of college wasn't supposed to be this way. I was supposed to be having fun and goofing off. Instead I'm stuck in labs for hours on end doing projects, writing papers, etc. With everything regarding graduation in the way, as well as my personal life drama, school has taken a backseat. That really upsets me. I have always prided myself on being a good student, and this semester I've really just been a fuckwad. I'm working on changing that these last couple weeks, but it's not going to be easy.

Post-graduation plans. If I never hear the phrase "So, what're you doing after graduation?' again, I will donate all my money to charity. I hate thinking about it. I don't want to think about it. I fucking love where I am in my life right now. I wouldn't change it for a second. Being in college is awesome, and frankly, I think the real world sucks. I don't want to go out there and fail. I just can't do that. The problem is that there is a good chance I will fail. That's what terrifies me now, and what will continue to terrify me until I find some success.

All in all, being me right now pretty much sucks hard. But, if anyone is willing to trade lives for like, a day or two, I'm totally game. I could use a break from mine.

this came to me in the shower (seriously)

2010-04-15T22:45:00.004-04:00

the air is crisp and cool,
the breeze gently laps across my face.
in the distance the ocean roars,
sending another wave along its course.
the sand feels cool beneath my toes,
and yet it is smooth under the soles of my feet.
as the ball is put into play, a familiar feeling comes over me.
this is where i want to be every day.
here, in the shadow of the surf, i feel at home.
bumping, setting, spiking, those are my only challenges.
nothing else matters out here, just having fun.
as one game ends, another starts,
and the cycle continues until darkness sets in.
summer is fast approaching, i can just about taste it.

senior year spring fling reflections

2010-04-14T22:37:00.003-04:00

So, yesterday was my final Spring Fling here at Temple. I had a laundry list chock full of things to do, and unfortunately, much of that list had to be scrapped due to weather constraints. Can't really get away with much when there's not the usual big crowd on campus.

Nevertheless, my day was still very eventful. I began around 8am, gracing my stomach with the wonderful elixir that is Lionshead, along with delicious homemade pancakes. Sometime later, I played pong, kings, and even managed to walk to the other side of campus in the rain to get lunch. If you told me that you saw me during that time, I wouldn't know if you were lying. It really was one of those days.

That night, after waking up from an unplanned nap with a hangover at 6:30pm, there was a concert. N..E.R.D. showed up and was good, but the highlight was GirlTalk. His set was great, and was pretty much nonstop for about an hour. I don't think I stopped moving, either. Vaguely I recall that I probably looked like a fucking idiot while I was dancing, and there was a prolonged dance-fight between me and my roommate Adam. By dance-fight, I mean that we would be dancing and then randomly just shove/punch/karate chop one another. Again, we probably looked like the biggest morons there.
----------------

While that was all the fun, the real drama happened in my head. Once again, I got the feeling that all of this is coming to an end. Now, yesterday was actually one month to the day when I will graduate college. Seeing all of my best friends yesterday, hanging out, carrying on, and being reckless and carefree, it made me just wish that this would never end. I was talking to a friend the other day and we both agreed that the real world pretty much blows, and that Brand New had it right when they said that they wanted to stay 18 forever.

As my time slowly dwindles, I have actually begun to look back on the last 4 years of my life. There are things I have accomplished that still astonish me today (joining a fraternity being a prim example). Yet, there are still so many things I have wanted to do that I haven't even tried (like compete for Greek God). It's those things that are motivating me to make the best of the last 4 weeks of college. I can't say that my "bucket list" will be completed, but you can bet your ass I'm gonna do as much as I can. (I even got a head start on it, though I haven't gotten an answer yet). Who knows, maybe I'll find one more way to surprise myself before May 13th...

all eyes to the front

2010-04-11T11:27:00.002-04:00

Generally, I try not to really care if people judge me for who I am. If they want to judge me, it's fine, because I don't need them. But, lately, I feel as if EVERYONE in my life is doing it. I go outside and see the dirty looks I get form people I thought were friends, hear the things that people say about me, and it just finally is getting to me. I can't just sit idly by, but I also can't do anything about it, either. I've never been a confrontational person, and I really hate fighting. But, at this point, I just don't know what else to do.

I really don't think I'm a terrible person, but apparently lots of other people do. Knowing that doesn't do much for my insecurities. I never in my life wanted to be looked at in that light. I've done my best to be a nice, caring person. Yet it seems like nobody gives a fuck. I try to do good by others, and I've had everything come back and bite me in the ass this year. I've never had to deal with the feeling of having a thousand eyes on my back at any given moment, nor have I had to deal with the fact that an entire group of "friends" suddenly thinks I'm the worst person in the world. It's a hard thing to deal with, and I'm not doing so well.

Everyday, I feel a little bit less important. It could be because my time here is running out, slowly but surely. It could also be because I see my group of friends changing in front of me. I feel like here isn't so much of a home anymore, and that sucks so much to say. This whole place just seems like it was an illusion to me; one that's lasted almost 4 years. I just don't know why now, all of a sudden, it's all come crashing down at once. The imploded the old Texas Stadium today. I feel like my life has been imploding, too. I just can't figure out where I made that wrong turn, and my mental GPS won't correct itself so I can double back and find the right road to take to finish this chapter of my life.

mother nature is sneaky

2010-04-08T18:06:00.002-04:00

With this streak of wonderful weather seemingly coming to an end, I wanted to reflect a little bit on the trends that I saw happening in the last week and a half.

First off, when it's nice out, college campuses are the best place ever. Having that many people out in one area or another can only do wonders for peoples' tolerances of one another. I wish that things were that simple all over the world, but obviously, they aren't, and probably never will be. Some groups of people just can't come together and enjoy what they have.

Second, girls tend to dress--well actually, they tend to un-dress. This can be said anywhere, but it is so blatant on a college campus that I can't avoid mentioning it. I'm not saying that I don't appreciate it, ladies, but sometimes I just don't need to see you in hooker boots and a skirt. Dress to impress, not to stand out as being the easiest girl in the world.

Do I want this weather to end? Hell no. I love being able to come home from class, crackin a beverage, and just stoopin til the sun goes down. But, sometimes too much of a good thing can be bad. I don't think I have been working nearly as hard as I should be working, and I know that I've gotten so fucking lazy with things. It's not that I don't have the desire, it's that I have no motivation really. This is my senior year, spring semester of college. I want to enjoy it, not be cooped up inside doing work all day.

That's where the senioritis kicks in. As much as I really hate that word, it truly is real. I just don't care much about school anymore. I love being here, in the middle of North Philly, don't get me wrong. But the idea of having to wake up and go to class all day long is just so far from appealing. I know I'm going to have to get a real job soon, too. But, right now, I just don't want to think about anything but the present.

I've had friends tell me to live in the moment before, and I've always though I did a good job of that. But, now, I realize I kinda sucked at it. So, for once in my life, I'm going to take advantage of every thing thrown my way. It sounds like a great idea, I just hope I can hold myself to it.

to whom it may concern

2010-04-05T21:48:00.003-04:00

Hey there,

You may not know this, but you're pretty awesome. You and I are close (a lot closer than I ever dreamed, actually). I don't really have much of a way with words, but I really have some stuff I need to tell you. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude for your kindness. Somehow, you were born differently than most. You have an innate ability to care so much for others, no matter what the situation is. I do not know how you do it without freaking out. If I tried to do anything like that, I'm fairly certain my head would explode. The amount of things that I know you have on your plate astonishes me, and then to add what you've done for me (as well as many others I'm sure) on top of that is truly admirable.

Your attitude is another thing that sticks out to me. Somehow, with everything, you seem to stay positive. You can be in the middle of the worst day, and yet still be level-headed enough to know how to handle anything. You go about your business, and don't let others give you shit over it, something I've always been cautious of. I wish that I could change that about myself, because as I see it in you, it seems like one of the best qualities to have.

There's one thing that we both have in common, though. We both tend to not have confidence in ourselves. I'm very self-conscious, and I can see that in you, too. Just know that you have so much to be confident about. You're a sweet, kind, and wonderful person. You have eyes that could quell the fiercest storm, and a smile that could stop time. I don't know why you doubt yourself so much, because you really could do anything. I know you've got your mind set on what you want, and that you're amazing at what you do. Don't psyche yourself out so much, just believe that you're gonna kick some butt in life doing what truly does make you happy, and everything will work out. I promise.

So, there you go. I hope this finds you in great spirits, but if not, I hope it puts you there. I'm looking forward to hearing from you again. You always can make me smile, and that's really the best feeling in the world.

Thanks alot, you. You're a wonderful friend, and I hope you know how lucky I feel to be able to call you that.

the first of many lasts...

2010-04-04T11:32:00.003-04:00

I knew this day was coming, and it just hit me as to how much it really means. Today is not only Easter Sunday, but it's also the beginning of the last phase of college.

Yes, I know I've written about it before. But, I never really had any indication of what it felt like until this morning. After spending the night out with my boys for a 21st celebration, I woke up and went to my favorite hangover hole-in-the-wall, Temple Rainbow. As I sat down and was eating my food, I was talking to my friend, Jeff, and we realized that today was the last time we'd ever have to sit through fraternity elections. I know you're all thinking, "who gives a shit, stop whining." But, it really hit me hard. I hate elections, they take forever, and people waste so much time with bullshit. Yet, after saying out loud that I don't have to do it ever again, I really felt at a loss.

I can't begin to imagine what I'm going to start feeling like in a few weeks. My last classes, last lunch groups, last parties...everything seems to be coming at me head-on without any signs of slowing. I had no idea it would be this way.

I do know that I'm not going to take any day I have left at Temple for granted. My closest friends here will be by my side through it all, including on graduation day. I just hope that they want to make the most of it, too, cuz doing it alone won't do me any justice.

feelin fine in the sunshine.

2010-04-01T13:56:00.003-04:00

sitting out on my front steps in the sun has really made me think about the love/hate relationship i have with this upcoming summer.

of course, the giant gorilla in the back of the room is graduation. Now, more than ever, the feeling that everything is coming to an end is hitting me. Frankly, I'm terrified. I can sit back and take a look at my life right now, and know full well that I can't cut it in the real world. Yes, I have the desire to go out and be somebody. But, the fact that in 6 short weeks, I'm going to actually have to do it scares the hell out of me.

I've had a pretty up and down semester (to say it tamely), and that hasn't helped things either. Those of you that read this and are of some actual importance to me know what I mean, and you've been there for me through the best and worst of it. For that, I can't begin to express my gratitude. You all put up with my shit so much, and I've never been able to find a way to thank you all. Just know that even if I don't show it, I really do value everything you guys do for me. Without you all, I probably would be in a mental hospital somewhere.

The sunshine always brings out the "I don't give a shit" attitude in me. I can't bear to sit in class on days like today. All I want to do is the things that make me happy--listen to music and be with my friends. Yeah, texting someone who makes you smile is great and all, but it doesn't really do much justice to actually spending time with that person. Pretty soon, I don't know what will happen. I might be leaving here for greener pastures. I might be leaving here for the Big Apple. Hell, I might not go anywhere. But for now, let me have my fun in the sun. I'm gonna make the most of what I have, don't doubt me on that.

lately, the thoughts are swirling

2010-03-30T14:49:00.002-04:00

To be completely honest, I forgot I even had this blog. I had to create it for a class in school so my TA could easily view all of my assignments in one place (hence the posts from two years ago that are really random).

Recently, a friend of mine said something profound to me. "Just get your words out there. It's a good feeling knowing that people can read them and relate to you." It was that one thing that inspired me to start writing again.

It's always been hard for me to express myself to people, let alone write about how I feel. I've been fucked over and fucked with so many times, my emotions have really taken a beating over the years. So, it's understandable that I have a hesitance to put my thoughts and feelings on the internet. But, sometimes getting it all out is the best medicine. I should know this by now, and yet I still tend to keep my emotions bottled up inside me. I guess now is as good a time as any to let some go, because as they say, better late than never.

--------------------------------

The other day, I decided to go through some photos on my computer. I got to my album from London, and this strange feeling came over me--the urge to just go back. I hadn't felt this way in months. I guess I had just suppressed it for so long because I knew that going back wasn't really a viable option for me at the time. I needed Philadelphia. I needed Temple. I needed my friends. Yet, in that one, singular moment, seeing all the pictures I had taken, everything in my body screamed at me to get out of here and go back across the pond.

The almost 6 weeks I spent in London were some of the best times I've ever had. I became a part of another culture. Being a tourist myself, I was honored when I had to help a family find their way to a museum from the tube stop right outside my flat. I was honored when I would walk down the street and people weren't turning their heads to look at the way I was dressed, or scoffed at my American accent. I loved being able to walk up the street, sit in the park, and just listen to music while the day passed me by.

Here, now, I feel constrained...by everyone and everything. I have so much left to do here in Philadelphia, yet I can see my time dwindling away. Every day that passes is another day closer to being thrust into the real world...and frankly, I'm not fucking ready for that. I can't fathom leaving my friends behind. They all mean the world to me, and I can't wait til I have them all in front of me to tell them so.

Philadelphia, you will always be my second home. But London, you kept a piece of me at Manson Place, Flat 19 when I left, and I'll be damned if I can't come back to give you more.

Video Edit Assisngment

2008-04-01T23:54:00.000-04:00

Photoshop Assignment

2008-02-19T13:01:00.000-05:00

http://flickr.com/photos/hbobbins/sets/72157603944212521/show/

Assignment 1

2008-02-19T10:48:00.001-05:00

http://flickr.com/photos/hbobbins/sets/72157603855564861/show/